Can you and your students explain why these are funny?
SOUNDS A BIT FISHY
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
To the prawn broker.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide
Where do little fishes go every morning?
To plaice school.
What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible.
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row.
What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid.
How do fish go into business?
They start on a small scale.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
And you thought we didn’t have De Gaulle to publish this. Well, we figured we had nothing Toulouse!
THE BACON TREE
Two Mexicans are lost in the desert, wandering aimlessly, starving and dying of thirst… when all of a sudden.
‘Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.’ ‘Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.’
They struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
‘Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. ‘Eees a bacon tree.’
‘Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.’
‘Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…. ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree’.
Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. He is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
‘Pepe… go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.’
‘Luis Luis mi amigo… what ees it?
‘Pepe… ees not a bacon tree… Ees… Eees a Ham Bush.
I am very detail-oreinted.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Special skills: Thyping.
I can play well with others.
I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing.
Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.
I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration.
Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking an entry-level position.
It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
I worked here full-time there.
I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy.
I don’t usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so.
My compensation should be at least equal to my age.